Pet Loss

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light...

If you've somehow found your way to this page then your heart very well might be broken.  Or maybe it's more than that.  Maybe there is an absolute hole in your soul from the loss of your pet.  However you are feeling and whatever brought you to this page, know that I get it.  I totally and completely understand.  My loyal companion, Milo, has been gone since July 2013, and although the pain of losing him is not gone, I can tell you that it has changed since those first dark days.  'The After,' of losing a beloved companion is so very painful, so dark.  Sometimes I can't even think back to those days, those first few months, because they were so painful.  I felt like no one understood.  My family and close friends, I know they understood that I was sad.  But did they really understand the depth of my loss?  How much of a hole it left in my heart?  How I will absolutely never be the same since my little dog is gone?

The first few months after losing Milo, all I did was replay his death over and over again in my head.  Should I really have put him down?  Did I give up on him?  Why didn't I change my mind, take him home, give him another chance?  What the hell was wrong with me?  What did I do????  The last moments with him replayed in my head like a broken record, over and over again.  They still do, sometimes, even over a year later.  But I've gotten better at blocking it out.

Then came the guilt.  Why do I feel this way?  Why am I so lost?  I knew he couldn't live forever.  What did I expect?  I had a husband and child, a loving family.  Why couldn't I get myself together?  Why was I crying every single time I was alone?  I had lost family members before Milo, suffered tragic losses of relatives. Why was this hitting me so much harder than that?  What was wrong with me?

And possibly the most puzzling of all was the feeling that my sweet Milo was still here.  I felt like I would turn a corner and he would be there.  Sometimes I could hear him and feel him.  I had dreams about him that were so vivid and real.  When I closed my eyes I could see him in places I had never been before.  Was he in those places now?  Was I somehow still connected to him?  I believe that my bond to Milo is so strong that we carry it even in death.  I am still connected to him.  He is still here, but not in my realm.  It's like he's behind a veil.  At least this is what I believe and what my heart tells me.  And it's that belief that carries me through this loss.

So what can I offer to help you, unseen person reading this blog at this very minute?  What can I tell you to take away the pain of your loss?  Not much.  It is something you have to work through.  It's a journey.  But you know what?  You owe it to your dog.  Yes, you do.  Your dog gave you unconditional love and companionship through thick and thin, and you owe it to him/her to continue on and work through your grief. Know that they are still with you, in their own realm, walking beside you and waiting for you to find them again.  And every day that you get through is a step closer back to them.  Don't give up.

I will see you again.